After I had written this blog, I saw Amanda Wilcox post something that was like a high-five from God letting me know I'm doing this at the right time. (Please go follow her story Amanda Wilcox)
She wrote this: "Lord let my own words be few, tell me what to say and I'll say it!! Sometimes obedience means creating no matter the outcome. When we create, we worship!! And worship is not defined by success or failure....it is just simply meant to bring glory to God."
And that is exactly how I feel about where my life has taken me.
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I have been waiting to write this blog for a very long time. I almost did on multiple occasions. There were times I was angry and sad and ready to call out names, and then there were times where I decided I didn't need to write it at all. But I do.
I've been praying for God to give me the right words for this specific post, and waiting for that moment. I felt Him give me a little nudge today so...here I am! If you don't do it in that moment, the moment may pass you by, right?!
Anyways, since I decided to pursue Personal Training I've had many people reach out to me privately about my music. SO so so so many of you have been emotionally, and even financially, supportive of my career over the past 23 years. Twenty-three years yall. Whoa. It's so strange sometimes looking at that number and seeing where I am now.
Those of you who have known me for awhile know that I grew up singing. Before I could talk I was creating songs. I never had a back up plan, and I was sure (as most musicians are) that I was destined for fame, success, and that was that. And this is not said in vanity, but I'm pretty sure I could have had it. Not solely based on talent, but also the people I was fortunate enough to meet along the way. I stared at that future across a desk from me on multiple occasions, and I had opportunities that people more deserving than I would kill for.
But yall, the music industry can be a dirty place. I fell in love with music because it was my outlet for all the pain, sadness, and confusion I felt as I ventured through my life. My songs were literally my poetry poured out from my soul. I was asked to change that, and I thought I was willing to.
This is where I feel God's hands on my fingers, reminding me that this is all about HIM. (Ok, I hear you!)
Long story short, I was hurt badly by people I loved and trusted, and it jaded me. Big time. Music wasn't fun anymore. I have always promised myself that the second it stopped being fun, I would walk away. If only it were that easy, right?
The amount of love and support I had from the incredible people who believed in me was really one of the only things that kept me going for, honestly, the last year I pursued music. I was going through the motions, but I felt more lost than ever. I look back at that time and remember just feeling like I was stuck at the bottom of this empty, dark barrel. The anxiety I had was out of control. I dreaded shows and writing. I had to have at least two heavy pours of whiskey before I felt confident enough to get on a stage and sing. I begged God to show me what He wanted me to do, how I was supposed to use this gift. Why would He give me this voice if I wasn't supposed to use it? But if that was the case, why was I so unhappy?
And He answered that prayer in the form of my future-husband, Andrew.
I know, I know. I can not TELL you how many times I would see girls walk away from their careers "for a dude". Or at least that's how I saw it. Looking back now I know that I never knew the full story. They could have been just like me and I chose to stamp a stereotype on it. It's amazing how God teaches us lessons in every circumstance, isn't it?
Anyways...Andrew coming into my life was the biggest step for me coming into my own. He believed in me more than I believed in myself, and he encouraged me to chase the dreams that were laid out in front of me. But when I was away pursuing them? All I did was miss him. Missed home. I was stuck in this weird limbo because music is all I've ever known. Literally. All I've ever done. Like I said, I didn't have a back up plan.
I didn't have a "way out".
And then we found out we were pregnant.
I know every mom says their children changed their lives, and it's because they do. But you guys, Jack saved me. I quickly had to grow up and get my act together, because it was not together. On top of that, I didn't know how to tell people I loved and people that believed in me that I didn't want to do music anymore, that I wanted to step away for a bit and see what else was out there.
When I got pregnant, I didn't have to. I'm sure people assumed and talked and whatever, but that's never even crossed my mind. It was like I was given this pardon from a crazy career path for a few years. I didn't realize how desperately I needed it until I was in it, but I needed it so badly.
It not only gave me time away from all the "music-career" questions, but it gave me time to find myself. To find myself as a woman, as a wife, as a mom, and as God's child. He has worked HEAVY in my heart the past three years, although I know He was setting me up for all this for the few years before as well. I thought maybe I'd go back and try again after Jack was born, but I just didn't want to. And I felt guilty about that for a long time.
It wasn't until my sweet friend Alisha looked at me and said, "You know, it's okay to have more than one gift." She told me how God gives us multiple gifts, and I wouldn't be failing Him, or anyone for that matter, if I didn't push this career. That was such a weird concept to me, but it clicked in my heart.
I then felt maybe I was supposed to become a Christian artist. Push into that world, change Christian music, bring "young and fun" to Christian radio. I was, once again, making it all about me. ALL ABOUT ME. In Christian music. How does that make ANY SENSE?! It doesn't.
I finally had to be honest with myself and accepted the fact that I do not want to be a big, superstar, singer. I just don't. It's not what drives me, it doesn't push me out of bed every morning. And that's more than okay. It's hard to undue 23 years of thinking, but He is showing me that it's never been about me. Ever!
I went to a conference called IMMERSE this past summer. I was dreading it, of course, because here I was going to a conference for worship leaders and Christian artists and I am a stay at home mom who hasn't been on any sort of stage in almost 2 years. Oh but God had such a bigger plan. He found His way so deep into my heart in those three days. I looked around at these young faces of artists who had traveled cross-country for a shot of having some Christian Music execs hearing their music and become famous, and I saw myself, 5 years ago, in all of them.
Most of the speakers spent their time telling us, "It. Is. Not. About. You. It's not. If that's why you're here, you need to really pray about this...because this is about Him." Someone asked Kari Jobe how she became famous, and this will stick in my heart always. She looked up so humbly and meekly and explained how she never wanted to be famous. She never wanted any of this, but God chose to use her words and her voice to save people. "I am so in love with Jesus" and He has taken her humble heart and put it on a platform FOR HIM.
I walked away from those three days more confident than ever knowing what I was supposed to do.
I was supposed to get my Personal Training certification and reach out to help people.
What?! I know. How on earth did I get to that conclusion after spending three days immersed in worship and music?! God just works that way. He brought my music-soul home, and he opened a different door for me to walk through. A door that I truly believe will help me reach those who need to believe in themselves, and to have them know that somebody believes in them too.
Anyways, here I am now, embarking on this new chapter in my life that I never in a million years would have ever expected for myself. And you know what's so great? I am blindingly happy. Five years ago if you had told me that I would be a wife, a mom, and a Personal Trainer, I would have laughed in your face. What an incredible Savior we have that knows the truth of our hearts, and if we listen, shows us the way to our true destination.
I had no idea where this post was going to go, but there you have it! This is my honesty. It's not very pretty, and I always tell my friends that I try to embrace "messy". So here is just another part of my messy!
So what next musically? I don't know! I do know that the place I feel most full, passionate, and at peace in music is in worship. I'm putting it in God's hands, and I pray that He'll lead to me a worship position at church one day. But I have learned SO MUCH in the past few years that His timing is always best. Always. I could never, ever walk fully away from my voice. I could never do that to a gift I've been given. I do know that I'm falling back in love with it. Once I took the pressure off of myself, I slowly started letting the melodies back in. It's like a whole new world this time around though. I'm seeing it in such a different light, and that's something I didn't think I could ever do.
And I do want you to know that I have met some of the most incredible people, and some of my best friends, through this world of music. I wouldn't change my path for anything. I'm still such a huge work in progress, and who knows where God will lead me a year from now.
THANK YOU for believing in me from day one. Thank you for coming to my shows, buying my cd's, supporting me so I could explore this chapter full time, sending me notes of encouragement and prayers for success. Thank you for reminding me that my music was never just about me, that I somehow touched some of you.
Please know that I am eternally grateful for the care and support you have all given me.
Know that you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to.
Know that you can be anything.
And know that it's OK if what you want to do is hard for other people to understand. If you take a leap of faith into God's arms, He will not lead you astray.
He took this hot mess of confusion and gave me a life I could never deserve. He will do the same for you.
Love you guys more than you will ever know.
-B
