I thought it was Jack pinching me, but when I looked back I saw this monster wasp laying on his sweet, little arm stinging me...and I was so grateful that it was me and not Jack.
It was one of those "I'm a mom" moments. I would so much rather take any amount of pain than to even think about anything hurting my son.
I think it was also God tapping my heart and reminding me I can't be selfish anymore. I think about the smallest things in astronomically big ways now that I'm a mom, because that's my job. It's my job to take care of my sweet, innocent baby boy.
I've known for a few years that I would have to get knee surgery. I think I've always pushed it in the way, way back of my mind because I don't want to think about it. I was actually scheduled to have it done the week after we found out I was pregnant with Jack. God had a better plan on that one :)
Long story short, I totalled my car when I was 16. I woke up after flipping it too many times with my legs hanging outside of my window. It was only by God's amazing grace that the only injury I had was a hairline fracture in my femur, and some very (very) stretched out knee ligaments. Well when you're 16 years old high school is everything (oh the LIST of things I wish I could tell 16 year old me. That's an entirely different post.) I played volleyball on that knee for another two years. Somewhere in that time frame I managed to not only tear my acl, but my pcl and LCL/PLS. Over time all the tears wore away until my ligaments had calcified. Basically, I've been walking around for 8 years on a knee with no ligaments.
How have I not known? No clue. I must have a crazy pain tolerance, because every doctor I've seen stares at me like I'm a medical freak. Anyways, due to postponing the surgery and putting on a
So here I am: 24 years old with advanced arthritis, a knee that will stop functioning within 5 years, and an almost-toddler who will be walking soon.
I'm terrified of surgery. I am.
I don't care about the rehab afterwards or all the work I have to put into it. I'm terrified of being under anesthesia for 7 hours having metal plates and cadaver ligaments installed in my body.
The worst part though? I'm absolutely heart broken that I can't give Jack 100% for awhile. When he stumbles, I won't be able to run to his side. When he wants me to pick him up, I won't be able to right away.
I'm not really even sure why I'm writing this post. I'm struggling with dealing with all of it. I feel like I'm being so dramatic sometimes because I am lucky enough to live in a time where there are these incredible, medical procedures that can (hopefully) buy my knee another 20 years. Then there are times when I'm holding Jack, about to put his sleeping body in his crib, and I just cry because for awhile, I won't be able to do that.
So I'm sure you're wondering what on earth the wasp has to do with any of this. Well, it happened a few days after I saw the doctor, and I honestly felt God laying his hands on me.
A little bit of pain for me was nothing to protect my son.
A little bit of pain for 9 months will be worth having a healthy leg to chase around my sweet boy for the rest of his life.
I'd like to just ask for some prayers if I can. :) Mostly for the people around me as I learn to heal. I'm so unbelievably grateful and thankful to not only have the most supportive, loving family, but to have married into one as well. Pray for their patience with me, because I know my heart is going to hurt a lot more than my body, and I cry a lot. (A LOT)
Pray for my amazing husband. He already does so much for us, and now he has to take on some more while I'm healing.
Pray for my baby. Pray he thrives (and I know he will, thanks to his incredible daddy, grandparents, aunts, and uncle) while I can't help him.
And if you wouldn't mind, pray for my heart to trust Jesus. I've never been very good at trusting, and He always brings me to obstacles that test that. (I hear you Lord!). His plan has never failed me, and has always been better than my own.
