I've prided myself on being non-materialistic. Held my head high by not letting the things of this world drag me down. I've always known I wasn't a perfect person or Christian. I struggle, I fall, but I always held myself on a bit of a pedestal. I don't want for much, I try my best to be as good as possible, I give, I forgive, I got this!
Well, God has been moving mountains in our family, and let me tell you, He moved the huge, towering, arrogant peak that was blocking my vision of who I really am. He has broken down the rose-colored panes that I like to hazily stare out of into a mirror.
"Rebecca, you are imperfect; but to me, you are beautiful."
For those of you who know me know that I feel everything heavy. Joy, sadness, all of it. That's been a very scary, frustrating battle I try to keep on my side with my relationship with Jesus. By giving my life to Him, by giving Him my every day, that means I will be hurt. I will suffer, all in His name, but I will suffer and that TERRIFIES me. Crippling! It's just another "thing" Jesus has revealed to me as I slowly peal back my layers and have begged Him to use me. Is this where all my anxiety lies? I'm terrified to be happy and to love because it could all be taken away, and yall that is SCARY!
I've been in one of those dry spells in my relationship with God. Not that anything has pulled me away, but that fire that always burns deep in my heart was just flickering a little. Low... steady, but low. It's amazing how He knows just how to ignite it, and just when.
Of all things, we we watched The Giver tonight. I'd heard it was great, and Andrew raved about the book, but I was clueless going into it. Well here I am an hour and a half later, in a pile of tears pouring all over my Bible. He used this movie to break my heart.
I'm not going to tell you about it, but I'm going to tell you to GO. RUN, watch this movie. Maybe you won't get out of it what I did, but it will move you; and I can just tell you I feel heavy.
I feel grateful that I get to FEEL.
I get to feel the pain. I get to suffer, and because of the suffering, I get to recognize beauty, and joy, and love, and warmth, and LIFE.
I felt myself aching for something that would correlate in the Word. So I typed into my little Bible app "suffering" and one of the first things that popped up was Job 36:15
"But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction."
I went back to the beginning of chapter 36...then 37...and I couldn't stop. Who is this man Job? What was God showing me through him? These chapters just pulled on my already aching heartstrings and gave me this beautiful portrait of such a powerful, mighty God.
"God's voice thunders in marvelous way; he does great things beyond our understanding." Job 37:5
I am in no way a Bible scholar. I can't pull Bible verses out of my pocket for every situation, I can't teach you every story, I can't tell you all about who Job is, but I can tell you that I can't wait to find out. I can't wait to learn more. I've read these stories since I was a little girl, but now I actually see them... these stories of men and women who literally lay down their lives as everything they can call their own is stripped away from them. Their whole life crumbles, and they fall to their knees to praise Him.
I want that.
I WANT that.
I want that fearlessness, that faith, that undeniable joy that only God can give me.
I don't know what 2015 holds for me. I know what I'd like it to, but I have a feeling that it will go exactly down the path I have not planned, and I'm okay with that.I'm actually excited for that, because what He has in store for me, for my family, is so much bigger than anything I could ever imagine.
So tonight the dishes will stay in the sink a little longer, the toys will stay on the floor, and I will soak in every smell, sight, and feeling that I am lucky enough to enjoy. He has given me SUCH incredible moments, and I just can't wait see what He's got in store.
God I choose more of You and less of me...
-B
